The Birth of Marguerite

BEFORE: My labor started on the morning of November 11. I remember having a lot of different things to do that day. My dad picked me up that morning and took me to Harvest Health to buy some herbal tinctures/homeopathic medicine's to assist with my labor progress. My contractions were definitely irregular, but throughout the day they kept developing into greater, more intense, and closer together. I continued my day as I normally would. My dad encouraged me to lie down while he was at my house, but I couldn't. 6 pm rolled around and my contractions felt greater so I had our dog, Henry, picked up from our small, 500 sq foot apartment in case this all developed into the real deal. I texted our midwife and she sent over one of her student midwives/team members to support me throughout the evening. Typically this is what's still considered early labor or pre-labor, however, to me, in my opinion and from how my body felt, it all felt like labor, and it was all the real thing. I tried to lay down and get rest in between my irregular contractions. The next day, I was feeling the same way. Just off. Without going into too much detail here, and with sparing you the details of my failed-at-home-labor because my body wasn't working and was actually starting to shut down, I'll make this brief. On the morning of November 13th, my midwife broke my waters for me so we could try to get my contractions to be closer together/harder- get the baby out! This didn't really help at all. It only made them harder and more intense, but not closer together and my body still was refusing to work. I hadn't peed in three days, so I was cathed between contractions (this hurt like hell) only to get an ounce or two of really really dark orange urine out. There was no relief. This felt like it would never end. And there was no light at the end of the tunnel. I had spend November 11-November 13th laboring entirely at home, with no real outcome. I did everything the books said, I "breathed through contractions" I "visualized" my cervix opening. I used every essential oil to help. I took at least a cup of castor oil over those three days. I took herbal tinctures, homeopathic medicine. I squatted. I walked. I did labor sprints around my neighborhood. All to result in a discouraged me. However, delirious, the 13th came and went, and by 7-8 pm on Friday the 13th, hospital admission was required. After 50 hours of labor, I was only 5 cm dilated and I could feel my body wasn't doing what it was supposed to do. I had nothing to go by, nothing to relate it to, but I can tell you this; my body just wasn't working to get my nearly 10 lb baby girl out. She was comfortable and did not want to enter the world. All this natural labor haze seems like a distant foggy memory, a dream compared to the nightmare that would come following...

DURING: At some point after we decided to go to the hospital, I was admitted to triage, and since I had chosen a midwife as my care provider during my pregnancy, they had to do routine standard blood work and tests, (monitoring baby, ect). Baby was fine, I was fine. I got the pain relief I so desperately had wanted to avoid in dealing with my birth. But with 50 hours of natural labor, your body starts to begin to shut down. I needed some pain relief so that I could rest and have enough energy and strength to push out a 10 lb baby. The hospital staff was concerned about my swelling. I hadn't weighed myself during pregnancy but I ended up gaining 70 lbs, was so swollen I could hardly lift my legs to step into the shower at home (claw foot tub) and looked nothing like myself. They thought I might have preeclampsia. All the tests came back that I didn't, despite my high blood pressure and swelling. I was fine. I was feeling pretty positive at this point about getting some rest at the hospital and preparing for the birth. This is when this all took a freak turn for the worse. My family, my advocates, my birthing assistants, were all told to step out of the room. Four doctors in white coats then surrounded me and tell me the news that nobody wants or expects to hear: after running your blood work, your tests have come back HIV positive and Hep C positive (neither of which I actually have). They told me I couldn't birth my child vaginally and had to have a C-section. I told the hospital that they were wrong. That there is no way I could have contracted either of those. That both my partner and I are faithful. That we don't use or share needles. That we don't engage in behavior that would permit a contraction of either of these. They looked at me and said these words while looking me up and down (I have four tattoos and had a nose ring at the time) "well, when did you get your last tattoo or piercing?" As if I had gone to some back alley in the ghetto of Detroit fucked some prostitute myself and shared a needle while they gave me a stick and poke tattoo. What kind of person did they think I was?

Excuse my language, but truth be told, I have become very bitter, very sour, very resentful, very hurt, very protective mama bear. Very everything that isn't typically me.

I asked to redo blood tests. They advised me against "telling my family the news". They said there was only a 2% chance that these tests were wrong on the Quick Test that was administered, which is much different than the actual blood lab work that they send away for (takes 5-7 business days). I was taken away for an "emergency c section" despite getting new results back for the quick tests. Let me just remind you, I was fine. Baby Marguerite was fine. In any rational situation, they would have just kept us in the room a bit longer until they redid blood work and saw that the new tests would come back negative. Because the next ones did. After I had my surgery. I had signed forms upon my arrival for no Vitamin K shot, and for no infant drops in the eyes. These were honored but they tried forcing me into both, despite the already signed paperwork. I had also signed to keep my placenta (my student midwife was going to encapsulate it for me), I couldn't even keep it because I was "HIV positive and HEP C positive".
During my cesarean, they were talking about their days as if I wasn't even a patient in the room. I was delirious, tired, antsy, on edge and I was a lot of things. But I was still present. I was still there and they were ruining the birth of my daughter. The thing in your life that's supposed to be an experience how you want. My birth was robbed from me because the hospital fucked up. 

After my surgery in recovery room, they told me that if I breastfed my child, I would have CPS called on me. I was advised not to, in fact, I was not allowed to. I had asked the hospital immediately after birth for donor breastmilk. They refused that choice and told me that the donor breastmilk was exclusively for pre-term babies.
Being the woman I am, I had my midwife sneak me in donor breastmilk and I fed her with someone else's milk for her first three days of life in a shitty bottle that the hospital probably found from a garbage can somewhere. I wasn't going to give her formula for her first start to life. She was screaming and hungry, I waited to feed her anyway. The bottle was fast flowing & entirely difficult to wean her from and get her latched to the breast properly (after I got home). I can tell you right now, that despite you, Spectrum Health and your "protocol" I fed my daughter with milk from a woman who I want to thank so deeply from the bottom of my heart and I was able to avoid manufactured, synthetic formula. Nurses had told me at one point that they would "look into" getting me donor breastmilk. While my baby screamed in the recovery room, I laid there shaking, unable to do anything, terrorized by what I was going through. I had Matthew hold her for her for a half hour while she screamed. I wasn't going to have the first milk in her body be formula. The nurses never got me the donor milk I asked for.

After being in this recovery room for what felt like an eternity, we were finally able to go to our room and get away from these awful people. So I thought.
I'm not sure what standard hospital policies are with all these things, (because I so desperately wanted to avoid them anyway), but people came into our room every hour. Even the first night. I stayed up, holding my baby. She was born November 14, at 12:21 AM, weighing 9 lbs 14oz. We got to our room around 3 am. Matthew and I were exhausted. We had been awake since November 11. And I would stay awake until November 16, when we were discharged. I didn't put her in her in the hospital bassinet, I would dose off with her while holding her in my arms until a nurse opened our door and I would quickly open my eyes to "appear" awake, I knew the hospital policy on co-sleeping. However, a huge advocate to co-sleeping am I. It helps regulate baby's sleep & it helps mama's milk supply (especially those first several hours after birth). This is about the only thing that went the way I had wanted it to. And even this, I just did behind backs of hospital staff. I was so exhausted but I wasn't going to let anything happen while I slept. I was outraged, skeptical, saddened and hurt.

After they got my second and third Quick Test's back, both came back negative for both HIV and HEP C. This doesn't mean anything to the hospital. You're still treated like a leper. It's funny how quickly they jump into surgery because of a quick test. But then, once two more come back the opposite outcome, how that means nothing. Very, very interesting.

This was a horrible, awful nightmare. I felt like I was trapped. I had conspiracy theories about the hospital. I was in my own mind. I was locked in. Nobody would help me. On top of this I had a new baby to take care of. Matthew ended up caring for Marguerite for the first days in the hospital. He fed her and changed her. I lay there staring at the wall like a mental patient. I felt betrayed by the people I trusted. I felt shame and guilt and like nobody would listen to me, or hear me out. I hardly wanted to look at Marguerite or hold her. This doesn't mean I didn't. I still made myself hold her and try to love her despite all of this. I felt so much resentment toward her, a resentment I cannot even describe. After all, if it wasn't for her I wouldn't be here, subjected to this torture. I loved her but I hated her. That first week was so hard.

These details I recall from the hospital (I have no sense of order or time):
- I was bleeding so heavily one night so I called the nurse line. I ended up having to call the nurse line several times before a young CNA came to "help" me. Sore, and hardly able to walk, I asked her to help me to the bathroom and to help me change my pads. She looked at me like I was crazy, and said, "we usually let people do that themselves." Nevermind I had just had surgery.
- Marguerite was given medicine for HIV and HEP C that she DID NOT NEED. She was given antibiotics. We were also FORCED to pay for medicines upon leaving the hospital that were totaled around $60 that neither of us needed. I did not give her these medicines.
- My breastpump was taken out of my room to "ensure that the diseased patient wasn't going to pump her own colostrum or milk and feed her baby"
- Infectious Disease people came into my room to "examine" me. Stated I showed no signs of having either of those diseases.
- Pediatrics tried to have my child taken away from me by CPS because I felt too strongly about breastfeeding/not having my child injected with unnecessary shots/vaccinations (I'm not vaccinating).
- No happiness in my room, nobody congratulating.
- One VERY kind nurse advocating for me named Kitty. I will forever thank her from the bottom of my very hurt, very angry heart.
- Drinking copious amounts of water and having my family bring me greens/food that would help my deleted blood supply. They were trying to get me to agree to a transfusion. I felt weak and awful but I know that the body can repair itself through foods. Again, I was considered psychotic because of my beliefs in natural and holistic medicine. And let me just say this, just because something is not what YOU believe, it doesn't mean that it's wrong.
- I was openly talked about in the hospital halls- which is a direct VIOLATION of HIPPA. My paperwork was the talk of the maternity-halls. My family heard doctors and nurses talking about me, although they didn't know my "name" they overheard them talking about me. 




AFTER: There were many other details about my hospital-transfer/freak accident/horrific/traumatizing birth that I can recall. But they hurt too much to explain and recite.
My anxiety has spiked, my depression has hit an all-time low, and I battle these things every single day.
I have gone to therapy. I have spent hundreds of dollars on holistic medicine and supplements. 
My mom took 6 weeks off work UNPAID to try to help me cope with trauma. 

I went in twice to get my medical records file, the first time, it was "claimed" that they "lost" them. The second time, I finally received them and I was billed for them. I still have not paid that outstanding bill.

My midwife, Sara Badger called a "board meeting" with the hospital and told the powers that be exactly what had happened and the hospital and its staff did not reach out to me or try to help me in any way with this matter- not even a written apology or financial re-imbursement for things unnecessarily purchased like the medicine we HAD to buy but did not need. Lack of respect entirely on Spectrum Health's behalf. 




I had wanted to avoid a hospital in the first place due to things like this happening. There are so many things wrong with the way things are done and how people are treated.
I can tell you this, very few people are probably treated how I was treated. I was a leper. I was a drug addict. I was a prostitute. I was a minority. I was an unfit mother.
I was considered everything I'm not. The hospital didn't even have the decency to call me or write me to let me know they are deeply sorry for everything that happened.


I had no advocate, I had no voice, I had no choice, I had no power. 
Let these words sink in.

I was a healthy person who was at the wrong place at the wrong time and I had to PAY for it.


Birth impacts a woman in a way that nothing else does. In every sense a woman is reborn when she gives birth. Everything I wanted was taken from me. And you might say this, yes, I have my healthy daughter, I realize that. I know that and everyday am grateful for her. But mama isn't healthy right now and isn't that just as bad? We don't give women the time or comfort or compensation here in the United States when becoming a parent. It's truly the hardest job out there. I always joked when I was pregnant that America loves pregnant women but does nothing to support new mothers. This is beyond true.

I hold so much hate and resentment in my heart for the hospital robbing me of happiness and joy; of an experience that should be celebrated. Of the joy a mother should feel sweep over her when her child is born. I felt like a specimen. I was, in their eyes, a "patient with HIV" and nothing more.
These things will forever be burned into my life and memory. And I weep for what I will one day have to tell my daughter. Even now, I can hardly contain myself and hold myself together. I will have to tell her the trauma that was surrounding her when she entered the world. And the lack of love and support we both felt. I hope for her that the energy surrounding her forever in life does not feel the way that felt. Nothing breaks my heart more than imagining her feeling guilty because of these traumatic accidents. I'm left with scars, both physical and emotional from the birth of her. And what terrifies me most is feeling the resentment toward her that I felt in the hospital later in life. I feel such guilt and shame already. I feel sorry that my body failed me. I feel guilty that I failed her, and that I failed Matthew. And that I failed in bringing our child into the world in the way that I would want every child to be brought into the world, around family and loved ones in the support and comfort of the home. This is not a birth story, this is a tragedy. And I'm living in the aftermath, trying to pick up the pieces and continue on. With a negative bank account, a crying child, my fleeting joys and my dark, dark depression and PTSD caused by Spectrum Health. 



Breastfeeding took the first few days to get her off the bottle and onto the boob. A nightmare in itself that I should not have had to endure. She would have had no latch issues if she had been able to breastfeed from the start. Every time I would feed her, I would fill her little tummy with a little bit of my pumped milk from a bottle then I would get her to latch, letting her scream and cry for sometimes 30 minutes or an hour at a time. I was determined to make it work. And we did. Because for me there was no other option. Formula was no way in hell an option for me. It was either pumping milk to give to her in a bottle (which takes a really long time and serious hats off to the moms who do this) or it was getting her to latch and having the successful breastfeeding relationship and journey that I had always envisioned. With no lactation consulting, or support, or help from any real outside source, I sat shirtless for a week. I would sometimes literally shove my nipple in her mouth while she screamed. She got the hang of it and by day 4 at home she had latched once. By day 5, she had latched twice and by day 6, she was EBF (exclusively breastfed) and I could not have been more proud of myself.


CURRENTLY:I tried to go back to work two weeks ago. Yesterday while I was there I had such a large panic attack and breakdown that I had to take another month off. I have anxiety. I can hardly leave my house. All I want to do is stay home and forget about my feelings by helping myself. I obviously force myself to go out, to exercise, to eat healthy, to help myself, to nurture my feelings. Financially, I should really be working but I cannot afford to. I can't afford to put my mental and emotional health out there. I am so fragile that if someone even looks at me a certain way, I usually go to my car or whatever is near and break down while my baby cries too. It all fucking hurts and I wish I could do better and be better and I know that all this weighs heavy on Matthew too because all he wants is for me to be happy and I can hardly do that one basic thing. It's such a confusing and low time for me.

Life doesn't stop, ever. Especially when you have a child who is literally attached to you in every possible way. You are mama. There is no break. It only speeds up and suddenly three months go by and you realize you haven't gotten the therapy that you need and you haven't had the time to physically work on your body like you want because when you look in the mirror you see a fat, awful, stretched, ugly version of yourself staring back at you, hardly recognizable, and you've got to keep going because who else is going to for you? You've got to pick yourself up and carry on, like you've done several times before. Only this time, you've got a baby to feed and change and keep happy.

This is my life now. I write these words, friends, to hopefully help and heal myself. Sometimes writing is therapy; to get it all out. It's a release into the wild. And I feel transparent. Open to receive. I write these words not for sympathy, but for understanding. From you, whoever you are and whatever role you play in my world and in my life.

So now you probably understand why I lied to you. Why I told you the version of my birth that I wish were true, at worst. Because this was all, and still is very much a real nightmare to me. I feel so many things about this. Mostly shame and guilt and sorrow. I feel that my body failed me. I wish I could sit here and write to you that it's all better now and that I'm healed and that things are going to be just fine. But I really can't. I feel attacked from every side. I trust nothing right now. I make no real efforts. I try to do basic things every day and I try to enjoy them and I try to see the good in my life. That's all I have the energy for right now.
And I thank my mom, and my dad, and Matthew and my family for sticking with me through all this. There have been very hurtful things said to me post-partum that have made me want to crawl into a hole but I haven't--  yet. And that's really a miracle in itself.

My daughter is beautiful beyond words and I'm working on trying to believe that about myself right now, too. Time is the only thing that help.

Sweet & Spicy Chipotle Roasted Cauliflower Tacos with Wilted Kale & Garlic Maple Aioli

I'm going to begin this post with this, I love tacos. I absolutely love them. They're quick, they're filling, they're so versatile and they're downright delicious. Especially when you've got this amazing vegan garlic maple aioli to put on them. This sauce alone could make anything taste good. It's definitely a classic go-to in my kitchen.
Okay, "Here's the deal, Sparky." I'm not going to play around like I'm on top of things all the time. We get a farm box every other week and sometimes we don't get to everything right away. So sometimes we have a case of weird-wilty-fridge-kale. Nothing wrong with this.
Don't panic. Keep it together, man! This is the hippie lovin' life. This is the real deal. You are certified Hilzey-cool, now. This recipe is perfect for that wilted green you haven't gotten around to using!

This particular dish is gluten-free as well as vegan, but that's a given. I hope this inspires you to have weekly taco night in your home. Or even have some friends over for dinner! Tacos all around! They will be licking their fingers and their plates and asking (strangely with large eyes not making contact) if you "have any more tortillas..." while they raid your kitchen for more aioli, greens and that spicy beautiful cauliflower. The recipe doubles easily, so don't worry about it so much. Okay, now. Okay. Let's get weird!


Prep: 15 minutes ||  Serves: 2  || Total time: 35 minutes

What you'll need:
1 small cauliflower head or about 1 cup cauliflower broken or cut into tiny florets
1-2 teaspoon chipotle powder
1 can black beans, rinsed and drained
2 tsp liquid aminos (should be a staple in your kitchen)
1 bunch kale, about 2 cups finely chopped (stems and all, that's right... them are healthy for you!)
1/2 small sweet onion, minced
4 corn tortillas
2 Tbsp vegenaise or vegan mayo
1/4-1/2 pure maple syrup
1/4 tsp lemon juice
1/2 tsp raw coconut vinegar or apple cider vinegar
garlic powder
sea salt
extra virgin olive oil
micro greens or lettuce
Daiya or nondairy cheese for topping (optional)



- Preheat oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit.
Break or cut cauliflower into tiny florets and place in a glass or ceramic bowl.
Drizzle 1 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil over the cauliflower. Sprinkle on chipotle powder, anywhere from 1-2 teaspoons depending on how spicy you'd like. As well as 1/4 tsp sea salt. Stir together.
*I used 2 heaping teaspoons because I really enjoy the contrast between the spicy roasted cauliflower, earthy greens and black beans and sweet dressing. 
When your oven is ready, place the bowl uncovered in the oven (you'll get beautiful caramelization on florets this way) and bake for about 20 minutes.

- In a large pan, add 1 Tbsp olive oil. Add onion, precut kale and liquid aminos.
Sautee on medium heat for 5-10 minutes or until onions turn translucent and kale looks wilted and deepens in green color. *You can use any type of green you have on hand for these tacos. Collards, mustard greens, variations of kale, whatever you want. Just get into it.
At this point, add 1/2 tsp garlic powder, 1/2 tsp raw coconut vinegar or apple cider vinegar, black beans, and 1 Tbsp water to skillet.
Stir, cover, and turn to low heat. Leave it alone for a bit. You're done here.


Garlic maple aioli:
2 Tbsp veganaise or vegan mayo
1/4-1/2 tsp pure maple syrup
1/4 tsp garlic powder
1/4 tsp lemon juice

- Whisk all ingredients together and set aside.


- At this point you can probably take out your cauliflower to let cool. Try one floret. It should be crispy but allover quite soft, not crunchy.
- Place your corn tortillas directly onto the oven rack at 400 degrees. I like to do them for about 2-3 minutes on each side so they warm and brown a bit, but aren't too hard.
- Take out your tortillas when they're the way you like them. You'll know. Don't think too much about it.

Now it's time to plate! Lay down aioli first, then plate your greens, onion and bean mixture. Then your gorgeous chipotle cauliflower!
Top with Daiya cheese and micro greens or lettuce.
*For added health and omegas, you could add avocado, crushed walnuts, hemp seeds or sunflower seeds! 




- Hilzey

Baked Vegan Falafel Wrap with Micro-Greens and Pro-biotic Pickles

Some days, my desire to eat Mediterranean is just too irresistible. I think it's my inner Lebanese (if only I had that hair, though. Seriously). However, I don't always have the supplies on hand to create a perfectly classic Middle Eastern meal. I can, however, count on making something like this filling, quick, cost-friendly and simple wrap. I generally have all of these supplies on hand, too. Putting a few staples in your home like tahini, chick peas, parsley (perhaps a plant) and falafel mix will do you a world of good!
This recipe will hopefully give you ideas for a flavorful, fast and healthful lunch. The wonderful thing about something like this is you could prepare it earlier in the day (leaving out the greens and any toppings that might dampen the wrap) and bring them in a separate container, adding them when you're ready to eat.

Okay, let's get started already. I hate long, weird, pointless intros. (wishing I had great hair flip) Let's go!


Hummus
2 can chickpeas, drained and rinsed
1/2 cup tahini paste, or more if you prefer!
1/4 cup fresh squeezed lemon juice
2 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil
1 Tbsp sumac, or more if you prefer!
1 Tbsp purified water
1 tsp salt

- Food process or blend all ingredients until you get a smooth, even consistency. You may need to add another Tablespoon or lemon juice or water if you like your hummus ultra smooth and classically Middle Eastern.
*right now this hummus is not too tahini-heavy, and not too sumac-heavy. It's a delicate balance of all ingredients. So make it as is, and tweak if you wish. 



Quick no-grain fresh tabbouleh 
1/2 cup tomatoes
1/2 cup parsley
1/2 cucumber
2 Tbsp lemon juice

- Dice tomatoes, parsley and cucumber. Add lemon juice and let chill in the fridge until you're ready to plate.
*If you want to spend a little more time here on this no-grain fresh tabbouleh and have a cauliflower laying around, cut the cauliflower into small florets (about 1-2 cups) and pop them into the food processor. Pulse manually until they resemble a small grain. Mix into the no-grain tabbouleh and sprinkle with sea salt. 



Falafel 
Falafel mix (you can find this at basically any store, we bought ours at a health food market)
1 cup falafel mix
1 cup water

- Mix falafel and water, let sit for 30 minutes (important).
Roll into small balls, pat to flatten a bit and then place on baking sheet.
Bake for 15-20 minutes at 450 degrees.
*You may fry these in a pan, also. Just fill with a few Tablespoons of oil, crank up the stove top heat to high and get weird with it!






Nutrient dense topping options: (health up your wrap!)
pickled red onion 
pickled radish
pro-biotic pickles (I use Bubbies brand) 
micro-greens
sprouts
avocado
hemp seeds
julienned assorted colored peppers


- I opted to use micro-greens from our farm box in this wrap with Bubbies pickles (for brightness) to balance out the earthy falafel. Any of the toppings listed above would go brilliantly, particularly the pickled onion.
- You're ready to plate everything. There is no rhyme or reason to this... just make it look like you want it to look! I'm just here to give you ideas and basics. I do suggest laying out the wrap and putting hummus down first to hold everything together! But congratulations, you've made yourself some lunch. "Four gold stars for you. I was testing you, you passed."

-Hilzey

What I Simply Cannot Live Without!

I've gotten a couple requests from friends about products I simply cannot live without! Most of the things I'm about to share with you, are kind-life products. Meaning, they are from the earth and contain no animal ingredients or bi-products, nor do they test on animals. And a few are actually food-grade! One of my favorite products used to remove eye makeup is extra virgin olive oil!
However, no product is going to work as efficiently or as effectively as it could if you are not healthy from within! I'm a huge health advocate. We must take care of our bodies while they are here on earth!
As most of you know, I am vegan so that also translates into what products I use, not only what foods I choose to eat. I feel that by using products from the earth, we are more connected to what we are using.

Before, and especially after being trained at The Aveda Institute by Douglas J, I am strong believer in energy. We know that all things have energy, and I feel by using organic (when we can) and by using things that are kind (not only to us, but to our furry friends, and workers harvesting) we take on that energy ourselves. Not only are we what we eat, we are the standard in which we choose to live by.

Blessings dear souls, and here are some products I use on a daily basis! These are also products and items that I  always replenish.


Braggs Apple Cider Vinegar
I am one of those crazy people who takes a shot of this every morning to jump start my metabolism. It's packed with amino acids and I don't actually mind the bracingly acidic taste. It's also very purifying and detoxifying to the liver, the kidneys, and the intestines. You may make a tea out of it as well, with lemon and agave. It surprisingly not terrible. But you probably aren't going to believe me, seeing as how I voiced earlier how I take a shot of it plain... Also, you can make a great skin toner with it too! Regardless, start using it in your diet! I promise you'll notice drastic changes.

Organic Coconut Oil
I use this in the evenings after I cleanse my face! I also eat some... super rich in omega 3 fatty acids! Wake up with your skin looking plump, youthful and refreshed!

Nutiva Hemp Oil

This is something I just recently started using. Extremely rich in Omega 3. Contains 1.7% gamma-linolenic acid, which is the polyunsaturated fatty acid which stimulates hair growth and nail growth which improves skin and reduces inflammation. Hemp seed is safe to take on it's own, and easier to digest than Flax seed oil! 

Extra Virgin Olive Oil
Removes makeup... also, I'll often slather some on my face before I hop in the shower! The steam from the shower helps penetrate the antioxidant rich oil into the skin. I'll leave it there through the shower, then as I'm about to get out, I'll give my face a quick rinse and massage the excess into the skin.

MyChelle Fruit Enzyme Cleanser
Words cannot even describe how much I love this cleanser, and anything by MyChelle in general. I don't know how they do it, but they do it kindly! This cleanser is great for all skin types... it uses different fruit acids to exfoliate the skin while cleansing.

Nature's Gate Mandarin Orange and Pachouli Shampoo

I was never a huge fan of pachouli, but the mandarin in this makes it work! It smells super yummy and adds so much volume! I follow with the Mandarin Orange and Pachouli Conditioner! 

Tom's of Maine Toothpaste
Favorite toothpaste of all-time!

Tom's of Maine Antiperspirant Deodorant
Vegan, and effective!

Trader Joe's Face & Body Sunscreen

I am extremely breakout prone, and I can use this daily on my face. It has never caused my skin to act up. It seems to refresh, (haha) and hydrate as well as protect from the sun! Most days I can skip moisturizer and go straight to this after cleansing! Sometimes less is more!

Natures Gate Lavender Body Lotion

Gives just the right amount of hydration and moisture. Fresh earthly lavender scent that as it wears turns more fresh and clean than floral. Soothes with Vitamin E and calms with Organic lavender. 

Hugo Naturals Grapefruit Body Wash

All time favorite! Leaves skin hydrated! Super fresh and clean and kind! Not too strong of a grapefruit scent and it's natural smelling. No synthetics here! 

Tarte Lip Stains

Favorite colors in 'Fiery' and 'Moody'... Layer them and create my favorite lip color!

Arcona Eye Dew

For day time! Anti-aging formula. Hyaluronic acid used as a humectant to bring hydration to the skin, packed with essential fatty acids, increases elasticity. Heals and soothes with blueberry and Vitamin E. Awesome product!

Kiss My Face Sunless Tanner
I use this on my face and neck about every four or five days. Gives a subtle amount of color that it definitely build-able. It works fantastic for the body as well, I just prefer my face and neck to have a bit of a glow. It also helps hide and cover up some of my scars I have from when my skin was really bad... ingredients are super natural and has walnut extract.

Try any of these products and let me know what you think of them! I'd be very interested to see if you love them as much as I do! Cheers friends! I hope this was interesting and or helpful in future kind purchases!

xxx Jess.

The Little Things;

Why is it that even when so much has been done, when so much has been said, when so much have been figure out or changed; we still focus on the little things?

In this case, I'm talking about those things that are under our skin. Literally. Go figure!

To share a little piece of my story with you, I have battled horrific breakouts since I was a sophomore in High School. Any of you who know this part of my story, you know that my parents took me to Dermatologist where I was simply put on an anti-biotic for 6 years. Something I eventually became immune to. So, I decided to go to Esthiology school to figure this whole 'skin' thing out for myself. Now that I've got my breakouts under control (for the most part) I am now focused on my hyperpigmentation I have from all of the places I have had breakouts. I have little pink colored scars on both sides of my face below my cheeks but above my jawline that I live with but am currently treating.

If you have hyperpigmentation from the sun, from acne or other mild skin issues, this blog is going to give you some options of what you can do to diminish the appearance of them. Remember, these things are not a quick-fix. They take treatment, as well as preventative care.

What the heck is hyperpigmentation? Let's break it down:

• hyper (excessive)
• pigment (color) or in this case, melanin within the skin.

It may be caused by sun damage, acne or other various forms of skin injuries that essentially lead to inflammation.

When excess melanin is produced within the skin, this little wonder of nasty pigmentation occurs. It can be spread over a large area or it can be focal but it is able to affect all areas of the body.
Melanin is produced by melanocytes at the lower layer of the epidermis; which is called the basal layer or stratum germinativum. You can read about understanding your skin and it's different layers here.

As I'm sure most of you know, our melanin is the pigment responsible for producing color within bodies. Thankfully, in most cases we can protect ourselves from hyperpigmentation and we now have the tools and resources to be able to treat it.


Basic treatment options: 

• Skin lightening/brightening serums (the most effective from a line) However, to see best results, most skin-care lines work synergistically within the skin so to see best results: use the entire line. I am biased because I work with Decleor, but in working with it first hand myself and on my clients, I know that the Aroma White C line is extremely effective. 
• Enzyme Peels
• Chemical Peels
• Microdermabrasion (which, in most cases I find myself hesitant to suggest them to people of a number of different skin types) 
• Look for products with vitamin C is going to brighten the skin and lighten unwanted pigmentation. 
• Exfoliate, often. In doing so we are shedding off those top outermost layers of our epidermis. As our skin from the bottom moves up, our spots lighten because we're essentially sloughing them off. Dermal scars take some more work, some more products, some more time and sometimes need advanced treatment options. 

Advanced treatment options: (for more serious cases)
There are two types of laser light therapy used to treat hyperpigmentation:

• IPL (Intense Pulsed Light): which emit multiple wavelengths of light. Usually more effective when used over areas with a wider range of discoloration. 
• Lasers: which emit a single wavelength. Usually more effective in treating specific scars, age spots and sun spots. Scabbing is more prominent after these treatments. 

Both of these treatment options use the same basic principle to treat unwanted pigment. When undergoing either of these treatments, be sure to do your own research in where you go and who you might see.



Preventative care options:

• The number one thing I will recommend for people of all skin types is not a cleanser, or a serum, or an exfoliator; but a good SPF. UV light stimulates melanocyte activity within the epidermis which leads to what we commonly call a sun-spot. That little sun-spot (aside from not looking so cute) can put you at risk for causes serious damage. Did you know malignant melanoma causes 75% of deaths related to skin cancer? 160,000 new cases of melanoma are diagnosed yearly. While it is more common in women than men, we should all be slathering ourselves with sunscreen. Remember when sunscreen wasn't 'cool'? Well, it is now! We have the information, we have the tools! Utilize them. Don't be a sunny (a sun dummy), protect yourself. 
• Consuming different foods that are high in vitamin C, vitamin A and getting in your essential omega 3, 6, and 9 fatty acids will decrease your chances of breakouts and increase the natural moisture level in your skin which can aid in the healing process within the skin. It also keeps the inflammation level at bay.
• Eating cooked tomato products can act as a natural SPF. Because cooked tomatoes contain licopene.

Our scars make us who we are. Whether those are physical, emotional or emotional scars. We learn from them and we grow from them. Also, know that I love you just the way you are and if there's someone out there who can relate to you and what you might be going through with these things, believe me when I say that it's me. But naturally, I want to help you be your best you and that is why I share this information in the first place.

If I can help in any other way, or if you have any further questions- feel free to comment, email, or tweet at me. Feedback is also appreciated. Blessings to you, friends. xxx

-Jessica.

WHAT IS ACNE?!

WHAT IS ACNE?! 


Acne is the number one subject I get questions about in regard to our skin. Unfortunately, I wish I could tell everyone what one thing it is and what one thing will cure it. There are several different types of acne, and several different causes. Since our bodies are all so different, unfortunately and fortunately so is our acne.




Since I am well aware that acne is a sore subject, after suffering with it for years and with still suffering from it today, let's start with a fun fact about it.


"Acne" comes from the Greek word 'akme' meaning "point" or "spot". It was originally mispelt with an 'n' and not an 'm' in 1835.


Acne is generally known as an inflammatory disorder of the sebaceous glands. These glands are connected to the pores via follicles which are small canals all throughout our skin. Sebum, an oily liquid that our skin naturally produces carries dead skin cells through these follicles to the surface of our skin. A small vellus hair grows through the follicle and out of the skin. Ordinary pustules and papules grow when these follicles become blocked or clogged.


Although common acne and even more severe acne affects both men and women, young men generally suffer from acne longer most likely due to more testosterone.


What causes acne?
Hormones play a huge contributor in acne. During puberty boys and girls produce high levels of androgens, the male sex hormones that include testosterone. Testosterone signals the body to make more sebum (which as we know is the natural oil and waxy secretion that helps the skin retain moisture.)


Bacteria plays another factor in acne. For those of us who don't wash our face before we go to bed... shame on us!  Each square centimeter of our skin averages about 100,000 bacteria. Not all of that bacteria is bad. Some microbes live on our skin and protect us against harmful agents like free-radicals. 


In our digestive system, there are many different species of friendly bacteria which take part in an important and rather inseparable way. These bacteria are vital to the metabolism of food, the production of enzymes and vitamins. They also aid in the demolition of disease causing microorganisms including fungi and the regulation of our intestine acid. When our body does not contain enough good bacteria, it can be a cause of acne.                               
HEALTHY SKIN is slightly moist, slightly acidic and smooth. 




Hormones. Common acne in teenagers starts with an increase in hormone production. During puberty, both boys and girls produce high levels of androgens, the male sex hormones that include testosterone. Testosterone signals the body to make more sebum, a waxy substance that helps the skin retain moisture.


Bacteria. Excess sebum clogs the openings to hair follicles -- especially those on the face, neck, chest, and back. Bacteria grow in these clogged follicles. This makes blackheads or whiteheads form on the skin's surface -- a condition called non-inflammatory acne. Sometimes the follicle wall breaks under the pressure of this buildup. When this happens, sebum leaks into nearby tissues and forms a pustule -- this is called inflammatory acne. This can create cysts. Ruptured cysts can leave temporary or permanent scars.


Did you know that when our breakouts are on different parts of our faces it means different things?
I found this face chart online. With it's given information, I added my own colored lines to tell you a bit more about the sections. It's the closest thing I can find to what I know.

Starting from the bottom up. When we break out in the 'red zone', it's generally due to hormones.
When we break out in the 'blue zone', it's generally due to an allergy we may have to a food or substance we're consuming. When we break out in the 'yellow zone', it is usually from an overactive sebaceous gland, or too much of our skins natural sebum. When we break out in the purple zone, it's difficult to exactly pinpoint this, but it could be from oil, as well as a hair product we may be using, or it is where we break out when we're using an antibiotic our body doesn't like, or when we're coming off of an antibiotic. Or, for females when our skin doesn't like a certain type of face makeup! When we breakout on our forehead, it is generally from sweat... especially when we're physically active or when we live in warm climates. 


Remember, our skin is a window to our body's health. When we go back to Chinese skin analysis each part of the face is connected to an organ. When we look at where we're seeing these problems, we can try to target what's going on within our bodies. Yes, we should treat our skin topically, but we should be healthy from within, as well.








The best ways to easily keep our skin in control:


1. Drink lots of water to flush out toxins in our bodies.
2. Load ourselves with antioxidants. Green tea, cranberries... ect.
3. Take a PROBIOTIC! (this is huge I promise you will notice a difference within days.)
4. Eat plenty of raw foods and eat organic if possible.
5. Cleanse our skin as gently as possible, twice a day. (If you're a female who wears makeup, cleanse twice. Once with a more milky/creamy cleanser to remove makeup. The second cleanse, to really deeply cleanse the skin.)
6. Exfoliate twice a week.
7. (This is optional) Keep glycemic foods and dairy to a low... there have also been studies that link gluten to acne. Experiment with your body and listen to what it's telling you. If you're going to consume dairy, don't consume it on an empty stomach. Also make sure it's not the last thing you eat before you sleep.
8. RELAX. Keep stress to a minimum. We live in a world of stress... and our skin does not need it.






Love to you and your face.
Eat some raw foods for me!


-Jessica.

The Most Invasive DIY Yet!

Hello! I hope you've been enjoying your holiday season thus far. I know I have been! And that is why I have not been blogging as regularly as I would like to have been. It's really no excuse... but what can I say... the Esthetician has been enjoying herself!

Today, I have a very simple, but glorious post. I am about to share one of my biggest beauty secrets with you! (Just in time for those Christmas parties you may have to attend.) I had gotten a few messages/comments in regard to my skin "glowing". This is one of my secret how-to's!

I'm not sure about you, but I'm all about DIY's, or 'do-it-yourself' for the gentleman reader who may not already know. This is perfect for everyone, not just my lady readers! Not only is this exfoliating, but it is also deeply nourishing and hydrating... perfect for the cold winter months ahead.





Without further delay, let's get to it!

You're going to need two things;
Organic Raw Oats (I buy mine at Harvest Health)
Powdered Organic Goats Milk (I buy mine at Harvest Health)


(also, you're going to need a spoon, a storage bag or container, a blender... and a pair of hands!) 


In a blender or food processor, blend together 1/2 cup of each. (If you want serious left-overs, use 1 cup!)


After removing all your face makeup with a gentle cream cleanser, (best cleansing how-to here!) re-dampen your face with lukewarm water. Take a heaping tablespoon of your glorious mixture and put it in your non-dominant palm. With your dominant hand, turn on the faucet, and gently begin to flick bits of water into your hand. You don't want too much! You're trying to form a paste, not a soup! After you've got a good consistency, rub the mixture between both of your hands, and onto your face. It should look clumpier in certain areas and smooth in others.

At this point, you can use the mixture as an exfoliant, rubbing it in and then rinsing away immediately, or you can do what I do and let the entire mixture dry and harden on your face (like a masque). I leave mine on for 10-15 minutes. Around 5, you are going to feel your face start to burn, especially if you use any type of Vitamin C, Retin-A, Vitamin A; exfoliating cremes daily.


Why is your face going to start to burn?
Goats Milk is a lactic acid. Lactic acid is a form of an alpha-hydroxy acid. AHA's eat away at dead skin cells. Lactic acid is a colorless, organic acid compound derived from the sugars in milk. It is fairly gentle on the skin, yet it is aggressive enough to see and feel the results with the use. It has extremely hydrating properties and works well on all skin types. Lactic acid has been seen to improve the appearance of hyperpigmentation, stimulate our skins natural collagen production and also leave our skin with a natural glow.


Why oats? Oats are an amazing natural beauty enhancer. They soothe and nourish the skin while reducing inflammation. Inflammation is one of the number one causes of premature aging. Because of oats texture, they make for an outstanding exfoliant. They are hypo-allergenic. They soften the skin, and have been clinically proven to help heal dry, itchy skin. For those with sensitive skin, oats are perfect! Oats can help soothe insect bites, dry skin, mild burns, eczema, and irritated skin.



After you've left it on for a maximum of 15-20 minutes, rinse it off. Massage gently and splashing your face with lukewarm water! I always do a few splashes of ice cold water, too. (but that's because I'm crazy)


Your face should feel refreshed, nourished, slightly moisturized, exfoliated and clean.
Your skin should look dramatically different, glowing as-if from within.


Throughout scripture, milk and honey symbolize the gracious nature of God, the abundance of His blessing.

So I hope this leaves you informed and I hope this helps with maybe some stubborn breakouts or strange skin issues that you may be having!

And may you feel abundantly blessed, because you are! Love to your skin, and love to you!

-Jessica.